Telling her that my penis is called megatron was not a good idea for a first date.
I'm watching Intervention to get pumped up for tonight
Well, I just watched him puke into his pitcher at the bar, I doubt he cares about anything other than the fact that he needs a new beer.
You're being dramatic. You can calm down, or you can piss off. Either way, I ate your burrito.
Then I realized I was alone sitting on the bathroom floor brushing my teeth at 2am laughing to myself.
Did you know that if you hit someone in the head with a frozen loaf of bread you can knock them unconscious?
OH YEAH AND FORGOT TO THANK YOU FOR THE lack of WARNING THAT HE WASN'T CIRCUMSIZED.
Based on the time of Sean's "I'm on your street" phone call last night, we had sex for an hour and a half. Man, time flies when you're getting boned to an orgasmic death.
Clearly the ONLY reason why you were voted employee of the month is because of your upside-down beer funneling skills.
Did you hear about Miss Teen Delaware? From the snippet they played on the radio, I knew exactly what porn company it was from. Maybe I should cut back
Don't know why you're always hating on relationships. I've had chocolate pancakes accompanied by a blowjob and a blunt and it's not even 9 am. Time for mid morning shower sex. Enjoy your morning bong bowl alone asshole
Your boyfriends underwear are hanging from my kitchen window. Where the fuck are you?!
Got a snapchat from Megan last night showing you sobbing about a burrito on the floor with Dan in the background trying not to laugh his ass off
lmao he sent me a snapped but i'm afraid to open.
i think i have dick pic PTSD.
I JUST HAD TO SNORT THE REST OF MY BAG OF COKE BECAUSE THE BAG RIPPED IN THE WORK BATHROOM.
I'm guessing you feel amazing due to all the caps?
LETS GET THIS SHIT DONE. IM GONNA GET THIS SHIT DONE, FOREVER.
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