sooo how much is appropriate to spend on a vibrator? what if it is really legit looking?
You know how I know he's a virgin? He's wearing transition lenses.
I thought it couldn't get worse until she said "Nipple hair"
This girl named her kid Rainforrest. If I die, just know it was from laughing so fucking hard.
Its Friday night, and I'm sitting at home watching are you smarter then a 5th grader, drinking vodka. I got every single question wrong. Clearly you see where I'm headed in life.
I woke up naked in my bathtub at 5:30 this morning. There's legit a spray tan body print of me in the fetal position in my tub.
So my mom and I were talking about what I should get you for christmas. She made it clear I cannot get christmas lingerie.
Technically he's married but he says it's "not like that" even tho his wife lives with him. Not sure if I believe him but I'm sleeping with him anyway.
About to go out with the girl of my dreams tonight. I am looking at one of her hottest fb pics, to practice not looking at her huge tits.
I have the starring role in a literal shit show.
mom how many of the songs from my childhood are mexican drinking songs?
all of them.
Didn't know where your dishes went. Put em in the bathtub. They're stacked taller than you. It's like modern art.
I'm still a bit day drunk and decided to go for a run. You may get a snapchat of me vomiting soon
If you think I'm not petty enough to drive to your house at 3 in the goddamn morning just to punch you, you underestimate me.
Hey sorry if you felt me holding your hand in the middle of the night I was actually just checking you had a pulse
Randomize
