Memo to the bitch sitting across from me at Swamp: no one thinks you're classy with your Louis Vuitton and your Burberry scarf when you're dragging on that cig like it was the last cock on earth and you needed cum for sustenance.
apparently it's not kosher to shit in a litter box when there's a line for the bathroom
can't believe I ate straight coffee grounds to stay awake for that
Yes someone did see you carrying a beer bong on the side of coastal highway
I went from a chick that didn't like to have sex to one that can't get enough of it. I can't believe I'm going to say this but at 27 I think I need a happy medium
He looked me straight in the eye when he was fingering me last night...it was very serial killer.
Mike is so stoned. I just heard him quietly mutter to himself "rock a piss" as he walked down the hall to the bathroom
I'm a gymnast. they should know better than to let me get dunk near anything i can flip on
Hot dogs and hydrocodine is NOT the combo of champions
You don't understand. There's baclava and there's post sex baclava. You can't compare the two.
Please make sure you have solid number of friends around you that wouldn't be afraid to break a bottle and stab someone. If you're planning on drinking all of that, you're going to need a safety net.
Do you think dominoes pizza would deliver faster if I told them I just had shower sex and that always makes me hungry?
I basically gave Miranda rights to the guy I hooked up with, jus so we were all clear what was happening
CAPS.LOCK.AND.SPACEBAR.ARE.BROKEN.
I took a vibrator for a weekend with my parents instead of a boyfriend. I obviously have my life together.
Randomize
