I just saw a commercial that said "call your doctor if erections last more than 4 hours". I said "disgusting" and my mom said "I know, i hate when that happens." Get me out of here.
Adam has been drinking
Who has his phone
Adam does
he shattered multiple jars of jelly against his roommates doors last night. this morning the asian one wouldn't even talk to him because he thought he was gonna get beaten up
If we're like this now and women reach their sexual peak in their 30's, I can't even fathom what our futures hold.
I woke up and my clothes were soaked in the shower and I was wearing a Ghostbusters uniform. I'm shocked she hasn't left me yet.
Dude just bought condoms some sad fuck next to me buying a pregnancy test he gave me a look like he'd pay me millions to switch places
My getting drunk and marrying a stranger in Vegas final court annulment papers just came in the mail... I might frame that shit
Standing in front of the open refrigerator with a 3/4 empty bottle of wine eating Bac-o's from the jar, topless. Somebody really should've taught me better coping skills.
There is nothing wrong with me introducing you as elephant dick. Nothing.
THE VODKA TRAIN IS NOW PULLING INTO THE STATION
facebook is just a cold reminder of all the times other bitches won my hookups
Last night's dream consisted of you, me, a sauce pan full of cocaine and light sabers. I almost cried when I woke up.
I just opened my travel toothbrush holder and it smelled like vodka...maybe a vodka cranberry. This says a lot about my vacations.
He said "I can't believe I had sex with a cat lady". Am I flattered or is this a new low?
I've been on the cocaine and semen diet for the last 24 hours, lunch sounds great.
Randomize
