I'm a simple man, with a social life most psychopaths would cringe at
is it bad that i think of my life in terms of the sims? like when i'm hitting it off with someone, i really wish a plus sign would appear above my head. and when i throw up from drinking way too much, a minus sign.
Ok a condom literally fell out of my underwear this morning, i have never been so confused.
All I know is that we apparently made a drink we named The Single Girl which is rum, vodka, grain alcohol, and sprite and rolled around in the backyard.
not the best booty call
did she squirt?
only if tears count
Got some good news and bad news about the hayride this weekend.
The good news is its still on, the bad news is we don't have any hay. The best news, if you drink enough you won't give a fuck that its just a trailer.
Yes, but it's not new to me. It's like every time a new guy finds out I'm a squirter it's a novelty so they make me squirt and squirt and squirt until their bed is completely soaked. And then afterwards they complain that there isn't a dry bit to sleep on. No shit Sherlock.
I'll just be sleeping in this laundry room. Come get me at bar close.
What happened to my face?
You kneed yourself in the eye during the Harlem Shake.
It was impressive.
just saw a sign in the bar that says "no more naked fridays". Where the fuck was I on these naked fridays?
I'm 2 beers deep on an empty stomach, and I just wanna say, I pride myself on my use of commas
I just watched videos of people getting puppies and crying, I cried too. Definitely still drunk
Would I do it again? Probably not but still,I don't regret a single ratchet thing I've done in college.
It's really life affirming to be at a wedding thinking wow I took your husbands virginity
I went to bed early to get up and have a cup of coffee and watch a Sunday sunrise; and again you come home with no shirt and more stamps than my passport. Get the fuck up now, you are taking an Uber to waffle house. The order is in you name.
Randomize
