I woke up naked in my living room and my mom was next to me like we need to talk
remind me not buy ky at kmart ever again. Had to get a manager to open the locked case. then he stood there and watched me look through the selection
I hate that ur telling me this.
should my penis look like a turkey
why the fuck would he compare you to sexy aquatic creatures?
I wish we could tell the moving van to wait at the strip club for a while.
the creek. my friends left me at a party next thing i know im in a breaststroke relay race with a bunch of randos in the dark
I'm microwaving a frozen bottle of Two Buck Chuck while watching The Proposal with my housemate. I'm not sure what success is like, but I'm fairly confident this isn't it.
And then he tried to clean the throw up off my pants with 409
Awkward family moment #1: walked in on my 15 yr old nephew packing a bowl. Nephew says- "lets not ruin christmas and keep this our little secret"
I just pictured ballsacks being shoveled into the furnace of the Titanic.
Mehhh. I just tried to type 'extremely', and it auto corrected to 'creek rot'. IT KNOWS WHAT I LOOK LIKE
I told him his only options were from behind or me on top. I was not about to mess up my $80 blow out before graduation.
You can't just walk around stealing hats from drunk boys and peeing in bathtubs. Turn down.
PICK ME UP NOW I THINK THIS MOTEL IS A CRIME SCENE. also congrats on your engagement i saw the post on my phone while i was climbing out the window
Thanks for loaning me your shower and panties. My hubby is awesome, but I shouldn’t go home commando, smelling like lube and sperm again
Randomize
