so i stopped by cvs on the way home this morning, turns out hallmark doesnt make an im sorry my friend puked on your friend card, call me if were still speaking
we made out on top of his cat.
the couple across the street's about to bang. go get the popcorn and come join us.
Still can't believe they give people like us a drivers license and college degree.
in literally every picture i'm wearing less and less of my costume.
Excellent idea. Nothing says "congrats for resurrecting yourself, Jesus" like Greygoose at noon!
Her idea of a bathing suit is... well.. she might not actually even know what one is. I've only ever seen her in a pool drunk and fully clothed or attempting to get into a pool but tripping over her pants which are at her ankles. Drunk.
We were debating whether you had hooked up with him. I was right for the record.
Dude I sat in the corner of the party bobbing my head and singing danger zone
Two ladies just showed up with my fucking purse. It was in the fucking street. I'm a train wreck. As a financial advisor, this shouldn't happen. I should be an adult.
I have bruises all over my body. Seriously, I'm a train wreck. I'm too damn old for hangovers like this.
You walked up to me, grabbed my face and said "I just peed in the sink!"
is there a way to say "yea i broke my wrist cause i fell down some stairs while tripping my face off on acid" without actually saying it?
I see myself subsisting on tequila for the next several days.
HE CHOSE A RESTAURANT AND MADE A FUCKING RESERVATION. I AM SHOOK
He passed out in my car.
What's the problem?
HE'S STILL IN MY FUCKING CAR.
Randomize
