I'm in love with you.
huh?
Don't be nervous. I'm just saying - if you had a dick, I'd suck it.
I was so drunk last night that I went into my 15 year old sisters room to have her peer edit the drunk texts I was sending to my ex.
She compared sex to doing dishes."You scrub them until they're wet."
our night together was a product of my beer goggles and jennifer aniston-like desperation.
Dude, I had to masturbate just to stay warm. Please pay the gas bill?
Just got a message from a guy on a dating site who says he helped me remove lime pulp from my eye in a club toilet 2 weeks ago.
Dude, you need to come clean your dates vomit off the ceiling. What in the hell were you guys doing?!
Woke up this morning buried in a mountain of chex mix and bubble wrap. We must have been doing something great last night
I slept with an Israeli and a Palestinian in the same day. It feels wrong.
Don't patronize me, I thought of that on peyote, so it was basically like a message from God.
That's the last time I send a mass text invitation to smoke a blunt
He was simultaneously rubbing my shoulders and fucking me. I'm keeping him.
Social anxiety problems: I just had to get up and change stalls mid-poop because someone sat down in the one next to mine.
Xanax, wine, and giving the neighbor blue balls. How about you?
Jesus, it’s Tuesday morning! Not back stage with Motley Crew
Don't ask but i need a priest, a calzone, a litre of gravy, and exactly 7 oreos
And a bag of nachos
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