your drunk exhusband is tryin to get with my drunk exgirlfriend. i think its funny. if you still talk to him dont say anything.
we're not divorced.
i an so hammered right now. I'm about to pass out but i just found the lion king dvd and i'm so happy words don't even describe.
I'm gonna name my first kid mufasa regardless if It's a boy or girl
we found you eating frozen orange juice with a spoon and then drinking vodka from the bottle.
He told me about his girlfriends trust issues during our post sex spooning
woke up this morning to find the entire staircase covered in marinara sauce, with my roommate practically sobbing and scrubbing the wall with carpet cleaner.
You've slept with me you know how lazy I am in bed.
They woke me up at 4 in the morning screaming "drunk adventure time!" because they needed a sober chaperone. They made me walk them around the block shoeless.
Whatever, I used my iphone to send an Escalade to pick up a booty call last week. For free. It is futuristic as fuck out here.
Whiskey dick has taught us to be smart with our time.
I wore a bird inflatable and still got laid. So there's that.
This morning I woke up in the entrance of a retirement home. Memory fragments from last night: making it rain with the contents of my wallet over the bridge, getting hit by a car, and a lot of running.
I didn't have time to wash my hair yesterday. Ended up spraying some Febreeze on it.
Do you think my laundromat will notice that the bloodstain on my sheets is in the shape of a face?
OMG I accidentally abducted a cat. Now there is a cat in my apartment. I NEED TO UNDO WHAT I HAVE DONE
Just landed in Atlanta. Still drunk. I can't feel my face
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