Solid performance last night. Wanna be fuck buddies?
I woke up with dick mouth, a raw vagina, an empty bottle of vodka and the best man next to me. I also found my thong by the pool. Best.Wedding.Ever.
I think the main reason you were throwing up so much was the quart of soap you chugged trying to burp bubbles. you came close
bad sex. bad bad bad. it was like trying to pick up an overcooked noodle with an empty pringles can. why do these guys always seem to find me?
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
the number of desperate girls at the gym right now is unfair. it would be cruel not to let one blow me.
The other night I NICELY told her she looked like Jack Sparrow
I HAVEN'T FUCKED ANYONE IN FOREVER AND A HALF I DON'T DESERVE TO BE A TRASHY BLONDE
So my roommate and I have a written agreement stating that if he tries to sleep with his ex girlfriend, I have to immediately intervene and nut punch him then send her on her way.
this is the most serious roommate agreement ever
do you think eating a burger while having sex counts as multitasking skills?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I have aggressive nipples.
In hindsight, I probably should not have let the waiter give me a chiropractic adjustment on my neck last night.
Just once I'd like to go out and not have to tell you to put your pants back on.
A friendship for the ages born on how horny we both are
The cat likes watching me spank Michael. I don’t know how to feel about this.
I can't be a daydrinker without you. It just doesn't work.
I love you too.
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