Banjos are just sex machines. Like lights to moths, banjos are to hipster bitches.
Superbowl and Mardi Gras a week apart. World's longest bender here I come.
you told the bartender not to open the bottle because you were gonna put it in your purse in case you get cut off later
im laying here in the parking lot drinking a warm coke, prob still drunk, feeling like i need to apologize to everyone i know
Your dignity remains intact. He, on the other hand, is completely convinced he slept with your cat.
Well regardless of which drugs we choose to do tonight until four in the morning, we are having a wii bowling championship. So choose carefully.
Going to.goingto.gtoing to DIE DIE DIEEEE......i feel like everyeone impotrant in my life like MLK is judging me.... saddd day
After blacking out and loosing my phone for a month, I found it in the parking lot across the street. Last text "rager in the street". I remember none of this.
is it sad that i can honestly say it was the best birthday sex i've ever had and it was still terrible?
Thats the last time im "arresting" you to get out of paying your bar tab.
What?! The only reason I married your sister is to have a Cop in the family!
He has silky zebra print sheets, which you would think he put on just for me, but the bed was unmade. Did I just sleep with a closet case??
That's probably when I climbed a tree and told everyone I was an ornament
She looked so much better when u didn't look at her and the music was too loud to hear her
Shut up. The only friend I need in life is Jim Beam because life is meaningless.
Dude come over...were drunk and I'm holding a T-shirt gun and discovered beer cans are the same size as rolled shirts.
Randomize
