he said my vag tasted like ravioli n pennies... i forgot I was on my period
Actions speak louder than words. Her actions scream crazy.
She just got back from rehab. You dont celebrate that with margaritas.
I bought beer tonight and got 3 coupons with my receipt. Paper towels, laundry detergent, and Advil. I wonder if Stop & Shop predicts the future or just does this with every beer purchase.
Just had my ass outlined on a bar top with permanent marker and then they carved the imprint into the wood with a knife. I'm famous in the country!
I got a letter from the home owners association saying its against policy to have sex on the trampoline.
You chucked an empty vodka bottle against the wall and yelled "Everyone calm the fuck down, it's just the cops." After 10 seconds of silence I looked over and saw you pissing their fountain.
I found all these half eaten mandarin orange on the ground and the bruises on my neck are definetely not hickies
I'm to the point where I'm fantasizing about Iron Chefs going down on me.
Cleaned the whole house at 7:30 and after cleaning the bathroom I think I had cocaine on my sweatpants
The CEO is on this whole 'what do you do with your spare time?' kick. Umm... get drunk and have sex in bar parking lots.
I need to get all the one night tinders in my system before I move back in with my parents
*goes to show prof a picture* *forgets tit pic is in camera roll*
I just typed "I've got a friend" and my phone autocompletes to "that's a dick appointment". What is my life.
Was picked up in the middle of a bar full of people...apparently I'm not tall enough to reach for drunken makeouts. I'm proud of myself.
Randomize
