I got date raped at Sigma Chi last night!
Dude, you never made it to Chi last night. You fell into a tree and passed out.
I'm pretty sure a girl doesn't give it up with a reverse cow girl...
He told me i was the nicest person he's ever arrested for DUI
he is so obsessed with the fact that he works at Apple
i know, its like he jerks off to steve jobs
my sombrero is too big for the bathroom
I love you. I'm too high for this. Find a way. Make it happen. Live strong.
At 4 am, making my walk of shame, the hotel security followed me to my car with his flashlight shined directly on me. I felt like either a criminal or like I was about to get raped. Can't a girl sneak out of a hotel room without an actual spotlight on her?!?!?!
COOKIE DOUGH CUPCAKES ARE A THING
Did you really just send me a blank text in response to news as awesome as that?
he attacked my vagina with the force of a thousand suns
We kind of broke a table making out. So yes, I'd say it was successful.
I'm 2 beers deep on an empty stomach, and I just wanna say, I pride myself on my use of commas
I appreciate the I'll come bail you out of jail tone in the text
Get ready tonight we are going to get drunk and pierce my nipples
I sent him a blank text because I didn't want to "drunk text" him.
I shit myself and fell down the stairs and I’m still finding shit In those pants.
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