I bought a goldfish, named it after my ex-girlfriend, and let it die. It's really the little things in life.
When I came in she was screaming "boundaries!" at the cat because it was trying to eat her pizza rolls.
It's ok. Rob's just shotgunning upside down.
I am just pathetic enough to be sitting on the couch with my cat drinking absinthe and vodka watching moulin rouge. Hello, tuesday night.
I let him watch sportscenter while we fucked. How did he repay me? I'm now missing class to get a shot in the ass for the clap. You and I are getting wasted and keying someone's car this weekend.
I CAN CONTROL MY GERBIL WITH MY BREATH. HE FOLLOWS THE SMELL. PROBABLY WOULDNT BE AS EXCITING IF I WASNT HIGH OFF MY ASS, BUT STILL
I could run a drunk marathon in heels
I knew it was a bad night when the only thing I could remember was you force feeding me tortilla chips as I hugged the tire of my car and begged to have my stomach pumped.
I'm gonna take a nap by the fireplace and pretend like I know what day it is.
Dude I puked in a snow bank and then fell face first into it
I just got high and swiffered the bathroom floor....2 for 2 on brilliant life ideas
We are the best cocktail. We look appealing, taste amazing, and ruin lives.
A condom was pulled out of your vagina by a doctor today I do not think you can pull off "closet" hoe anymore
Got pulled over today for going 90 in a 40 zone with my leg out of the window. Still got out of the ticket. I'm getting way too good at this. Wanna trade bodies so we can see if it's my boobs or my charm?
i woke up to drewlling on a plate of eggrolls half naked halfway between my bed and the floor, and i have no idea where my pants went
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