I'm surprised I didn't puke tonight
We had one of those mutual "I know your on a dating website, I won't tell if you won't" glances.
I'm drugging my best friend. I'm like a whole new level of bitch.
that's why i use the vibrator in the tanning bed. multitasking. plus then my rooms doesnt know how pathetic of a life i lead.
If you don't come out tonight, who's going to wake us up in the morning because they're fucking in the middle of the room where everyones sleeping?
Fuckers are stealing our internet and making my porn stream slowly so I changed the password for VanceRefrigeration to RyansaCunt. No spaces but capitalization.
One small step for man, one big gay fierce leap for gays!
I have to take tonight off from shenanigans. My liver is planning a coup
you can only text me tonight if its in drake lyrics. thats the rule
currently buying a pregnancy test while braless so happy november to you too
and then I drunkenly screamed, "you can ride that Uber all the way to revenge city!"
which was funny until I realized I paid for my enemy's cab to go fuck my ex
Needless to say, I woke up on the bathroom floor wearing the dress that my mom wore to the wedding. That open bar stole my soul.
I'm just imagining Oprah like "you're popping a boner, and you're popping a boner...EVERYONE IS POPPING A BONER"
my nextdoor neighbor called me saying "um hey, your mom just stumbled into bed with me and my husband, can you please come get her?"
FYI bail money is still in my drawer. I know you have no car but you need to know this for tomorrow.
Randomize
