All time low... just gave a strip tease to the theme song from Law&Order SVU.
Random 1st period thought: do you think she could put "had a threesome" on her resume?
i woke up on my kitchen floor, halfway through a text, and my mascara running... this is why i stopped drinking tequila
My 10 year old brother handed me a pack of condoms and said "here, i don't wanna be an uncle yet."
Got a personal ride from safe ride. I was crying so hard. The driver said think of something happy and I said Disney. In which I sang him Aladdin. So I got home ok
I forgot to tell you about my 7:30am Sunday morning run to the local convenience store to buy condoms, a du-rag and a shot glass
next time we drink: battle shots.
battle shots or battle shits? if its the first, explain. if its the second I think I figured it out.
She just locked herself in the bedroom with an unopened bottle of wine and a steak knife. Unfortunately for her fingers, I stopped giving a fuck two hours ago.
The only reason I know his name is because we wrote marriage vows in orange crayon on the back of a Walmart receipt.
- I'm finally learning to be functional when I'm high. I feel like this is a milestone.
My boobs look fucktastic, I have a booty call on Sunday and a dick photo on my phone. Life is grand!
Nothing says "sober up, you whore" quite like an early morning PAP smear.
Our love of vodka is more proof than a maternity test
He can sense you did cocaine and had park sex with a large ginger from Australia last night.
I kinda realized titty fucking is purely for our enjoyment, they dont really get much out of it, except for a guy sitting on them and and a dick bouncing of their chin
Randomize
