next person that tells me Facebook is a professional tool is getting kicked in the teeth.
I like waking up with a slight hangover cause I'm dehydrated and it makes me feel thinner.
so many types of cookies right now. i'm eating four kinds of cookies that i've made into larger cookie sandwiches. too high. whoa.
When health care reform is passed, I'm throwing a kegger
You are the reason we need health care reform
He told me that he wanted to break up with his girl friend but only after we had sex, only for him to make sure I'm worth it..
i said she could sleep in my bed and she goes "iiiiiiii warned you. iiiiim a cuddlerrrrrr!" slightly regretting this..
I only got lap dances from the ugliest strippers, i couldnt stop myself from laughing the entire time.
according to the video, you won you first drunken karaoke contest based off of your actual singing abilities and not because you took your shirt! I've never been prouder :)
How do I go about this? "Hey, its my birthday in 40 minutes. Would you like to come over for some sex? Also, please bring snacks"?
HE STARTED HUMMING THE THEME TO STAR WARS!! WHILE I'M SUCKING HIS DICK!!
honestly dont worry about it, its not the first time ive injured myself on a potted cactus during sexual relations with a woman
I just wanna get drunk in a castle. Is that so much to ask?
I'm excited for you as you venture towards new drug experiences
I got very very very high last night and bought a cotton candy machine on eBay
I'm not going to waste the next hour of my life writing a diplomatic email explaining that she's bitch. I have Parks and Rec to watch.
Randomize
