I'm going to have to call in sick tomorrow. After this weekend, there's no way I can handle hearing the accountants talk about double entry without puking.
this is like black Friday for my dealer. I'm literally standing in line.
You claimed your dick was a divining rod, spun in a circle 3 times and walked into the bar you stopped in front of...consequently there was a bikini shoot going on
On an unrelated note, i found out who duct taped shoelaces to my face
Kripsy Kremes at our place, bring your own coffee. And your own donuts because these ones are ours.
I need a present that says please like me even though i'm banging your grandson
There are some things you can ever unsee. And walking in on your dad jerking off is one of those things.
Could we try to replay the decision making process whereby only you and I bought and drank a keg this weekend? Because there were some fundamental flaws!
Saved a second guy who was crying/on the verge of wigging out. Just call me the drug whisperer.
The worst part was when I went to go spit it out and rinse my mouth, his grandpa was in the bathroom, so I had to fucking wait. It was awful. I finally ran to the kitchen and prayed his parents didn't come out of their room.
Learn from me. Do not smoke cigs and fold laundry in your room. The cigarette will fall into the dresser without you noticing and your shirts will be on fire. Wanna go shopping tomorrow? I need some new shirts.
Well, I guess you are not meant to have this fucking picture of an adorable baby duck.
she's a drunken disney princess. so basically me if i had a crown and no desire for independence.
Also you know what's irritating? When the guy you're sleeping with refuses to like any of your Instagram posts
I have had my dick inside of entirely too many people at this wedding in order for me to be the groom. Please give me a swift kick in the dick to wake me up from this nightmare
Randomize
