My boyfriend texted me as I was texting some random hookup from last night. His text: "Morning baby" My response: "Your cum is in my hair"
Just checked my bank account while shitting blood. Neither action felt good when I was done.
i had to apologize to my friends for being friends with me
i just walked in on him masterbating..to a picture of me. that definitely has to be true love.
You've got more to offer than just money. Come on. You have an awesome rack.
You told the entire McDonalds staff that I was a whore and that you didn't want your french fries cooked.
if happy hour never ends, you’ll never have to eat kale
If I could go one week without being called a maneater or a spanish trolip that would be great.
can we not compare my dick to a children’s folk tale
Self reach around competition is what the Olympics has been missing all along. A true test of athleticism.
I'm drunk still and I cried and now I'm watching Whitney Houston singing the national anthem and I'm crying more
When you can't finish your jumbo margarita and figure pouring it into a to go box will suffice... Midnight snack?
we had to invent a new word for how drunk I was last night
Today will be the day I throw up in my backpack in the middle of class
I was told I was gorgeous and a whore by the drag queens. My night is complete.
Randomize
