Swine flu is the new snow day.
using my metrocard to split lines. it says optimism on the back. i am optimistic that you will appear at my door and help me finish all these drugs.
You text me last night that you invented a new food. Cheese-less grilled cheese. Congrats, you made toast.
We argued about the championship during sex. Absolutely the manliest moment of my life.
failed my one goal of the day: wake up before 2 pm.
I always figured rock bottom would've involved more hookers
Im sitting in church with a backpack full of beer bottles. This is friendship.
I feel like i'm walking on a never-ending field of baby sheep.
I should be a dude... Walking a goat on a rope is a total chick magnet.
The highlight of my night was when you proclaimed that the man standing next to you smelt like grape medicine...
I was grinding on him when mosquitoes starting biting us and ruined every damn thing. I just wanted to fuck on a slide under the stars. It's every girls dream.
if happy hour never ends, you’ll never have to eat kale
Come on, what straight woman, gay man, or bi person HASN'T scrolled through Justin Trudeau pictures after a bad day?
You know you drink too much when the bartender at your favorite bar recognizes you at chipotle with your sunglasses on.
My parents are being so annoying about my colon.
Randomize
