i just ordered a pitcher of margaritas for me and a friend but she called and canceled. oh well, looks like im getting trashed alone.
the waiter who hardly speaks english told me "i go get your medicine now"
this medicine is soooo good.
Just got back from doctors appt. He lied. It wasn't a pimple on his dick.
I found my laptop, credit card, and a bottle of Morgan all on the counter this morning. I'm scared to see what gets delivered to my house this week.
some girl that im facebook friends with has H1N1, im scared to even go to her facebook page
woke up outside on the porch naked surrounded by beer cans with a towl around my neck. i must be in heaven cause i've never seen this place before.
omg I just had an epiphany about why I grew into such a whore....
HAVE YOU EVER NOTICED WHAT THE SPICE GIRLS USED TO WEAR?!? those were my idols, I never stood a chance
Giving my coworkers lap dances cuz it was my turn to decide our team bonding exercise. Go happy hour!
I took a yellow and pink pill, all of a sudden my sex drive is back, and for some reason all I wanna do is fuck Amish dudes
Good God, I miss doing unknown drugs with you.
Pornhub is still operational. Therefore, the world has NOT come to an end in the blizzard!
after you got high, you started to make guac with your bare hands and said: "there's soda bubbles in my legs"
man fuck you i am a delight. you're the one who fucking set his tree on fire while high
I feel like we'd have a lot of fun being drunk at a dog show.
I swear to god he thought my ass was a bag of wine last night.
Mass text: You have all failed me. How have the people I loved so much let me go so long in life without ever eating a McRib sandwich?!
My Mini-Van Handjob Milf is leaving the company. I need to find a new job. I can’t handle this place without those handjobs
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