mark looks like s**t tonight! thank da lawd we broke up!
it's mark...i'm guessing you didn't mean to send that to me...
this wart on my finger ripped off while i was fingering this girl the other night. she thought she had gotten her period and started crying so i went with. its better for both of us that way
Hows this for an invention: a toilet that weighs your poop
Sometimes he's such a bitch I forget that he's not actually a girl. Last night I asked him if I could borrow a tampon.
He had some in his pocket. That was weird.
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I will return your cat, I saw a mouse in my apt last night and your door was unlocked, it seemed really practical
you fucking puked into the top of the beer bong while i was chugging from it. when i realized i was chugging your vomit, i vomitted on the floor. she kicked us both out.
All of a sudden i love everyone. In all their flawed and failing beauty. This is pretty good weed.
there is nothing more depressing than your birth control alarm going off while you're masturbating, and realizing you've been taking pointless precautions for over a month now.
damnit. I just found my cousin on tinder.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I'm told I threw my cigarettes at the TV one by one Shouting about the cast of Community.
I was so drunk last night I asked a rando at the bar to take a picture with me cause I thought he was in the band
Did I try to sell your body for chicken tenders last night?
Also what’s the official rule on washing one guy’s jizz off my back before I go out with another guy? That I should?
He licked the buffalo sauce off my fingers and then we had the best sex of my life.
Had a dream last night that we survived the apocalypse. And we celebrated Christmas.
What did I get you?
A 12 gauge and a bottle of vodka that was waist high.
Sounds about right
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