I'm afraid we're only dating because we're too lazy to look for anyone else.
she needs to go suck a dildo, because she isn't worth a dick
8am blowjobs give a whole new meaning to morning breath..
I just realized I've stolen a hat from every guy I fucked. Except the last one. Maybe there is hope for me.
I woke up in the penthouse and did lines off the to of the fireplace. This is not real.
Nice. I ate a jello shot out of a bovine blow up doll's love hole last night
Are we doing anything tonight after class for Valentine's Day or just being lazy and having sex?
If you expect me to say anything other than 'lazy and sex' you're crazzzzy!
She said we could only have sex if she got to keep her fake moustache on during
What does puking wasabi feel like?
Like snorting cocaine backwards.
I mean it's like...I'm sorry I slept with your boyfriend but is it my fault that he failed to mention you when I was giving him head in the Dave and Busters bathroom?
There is so much wrong with that sentence
Yeah there really shouldn't be a bar at D&B's...shit gets real
He was kissing me at red light while his penis was in an aluminum beer bottle peeing..
No amount of beer will make me feel better about this. It's time for Emergency Whisky
Ask me if I'm sitting naked in a lawn chair eating a block of cheese waiting for a bacon grilled cheese sandwich
Tell me why i have 60 matches in 72 hours on tinder. Can i sell my tinder account like people used to sell their myspace pages and tumblrs when they had a lot of followers? Is that a thing?
Either im seeing the northern lightgs, someone is having a rave, or im on acid.. Im most likely on acid
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