I guess there's a 50 percent chance that it was her that wet my bed.
When I start carrying a bottle in my hand, jumping from boat to boat with a grenade horn. YOU should know this isn't going to turn out well.
Everyone already knows you're a drunk, they understand.
Awkward moment: seeing and saying hey to the MILF you're sleeping with while shopping with your mother and sister.
Fighting the urge to throw up all over my little brothers jr high basketball bench. Welcome home aaron
Yes she scared me. She had NIPPLE CLAMPS ATTACHED TO A STUN GUN.
I stood on the corner waiting to be picked up, dry heaving, and trying to block out the sun.
I'm going to fake an anxiety attack to get to the front of the line. Save me some brisket.
Wow. Last night.
I knew you were shit blasted when you called me your "sunflower queen"
Well, I currently have zero fuckboys and my vibrator just broke. A fresh start to May.
He drove over an hour to get this shit done. I guess i win the golden vagina award tonight
He was licking my ear while recommending that I shop at IKEA. I think he's my perfect guy.
Dashing through the vodka, in a tinder swiping rage, all the fuck boys get a no, laughing all the way.
Accidentally drunk dialed my mom last night. Started the conversation with "Where you at girl?"
Please tell me that nice older woman you're with at the bar is not your comp&lit professor.
So technically I made out with my second cousin this weekend... But it's by marriage and I'm adopted, so it's ok.
Randomize
