I know ur sleeping, sorry for waking you but i just saw a girl with mittens on using her nose to control her ipod touch
Nothing like a 3am firealarm to kick a booty call out...
I pretended I didn't remember seeing him hookup with that freshman, and he pretended he didn't remember seeing me hookup with that old guy. We have a beautiful and unawkward friendship.
You need to fuck him. The man has his own Wikipedia.
There's a drag queen here that reminds me strongly of you. You should try crossdressing.
Yeah, but I think it would be a little awkward to explain to Mom that the girl I brought for lunch is not my girlfriend but just a fuck buddy who I met after she hit and totaled my car last month.
You yelled "NICE PAJAMAS" at a construction worker wearing a reflective jumpsuit while we rode past on a bike taxi
Saw a girl on a walk of shame bend down and look in a pizza box by a trash can to see if there was still a slice left. That's when you know
Uh do you have my pants because I have yours
I think his dick was bigger than his dog
I NEED A MOM FRIEND. NOW.
I just met a drunk old lady with a bedazzled life alert alarm around her neck. I love casinos
She texted me this morning asking why all of her house pillows were inside her mini-van.
So thats where i built my buckingham palace
I just found a condom in my jolly ranchers bag. This is a good omen.
How in the fuck did you get LIVE MOTHER FUCKING BATS!?!?! Into my ROOM last night????
Randomize
