i'm unexpectedly in a limo, eating poutine. the driver just offered me coke. good idea?
phil was outside the bar last night, sitting on the ground playing songs on a guitar hero guitar to people walking by for money...best version of free bird ever
Still at the library. i hate tax accounting so much that i've started calling it potions...
He just made me a heart out of cocaine... i think i'm in love
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
you were crying while pretty ricky was playing, what did you want me to do
You tried to poop in the sink last night.
My parole officer gave me condoms and a Starbucks gift card ... happy holidays.
searching my car for your cum before I have to give my grandma a ride to the airport. Thanks for this
Half the people who compete die. All the rest either lose their minds or grow an innate fear of sharks, vodka, and fishbowls
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
My new dealer was watching Space Jam and eating ham off a frisbee when I went over. He's my new favorite person
How long can I keep it classy to hook up in my old office building? Two more years? Does it get weird after 30?
I WAS SURROUNDED BY HAIRY BALLS ALL ALONE.
Probably shouldn't be looking at memes at my grandmother's funeral
I was trying to type "I just want you naked" and it put "I just want you baked"
Promise me if ever I think I can't do anything, remind me that I waxed my own butthole
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