Earlier, I saw a homeless man that looked like Abe Lincoln, and I just saw a guy walk past wearing crocs and socks. I'm beginning to like this city less and less
I mixed the ketchup wit the mustard in one bottle to save time making hotdogs
Hooked up with my first aid and cpr teacher last night. She dressed as a lifeguard and brought me back to life. Beat that.
A. What the fuck are period panties? B. Don't ever wear them around me... or bears.
you made sure to tell everyone that the amount of people you had slept with was actually quite low, especially when the size of your breasts was taken into account
I feel like now would be a good time to apologize for vomiting in your eye
Also, at 1:30 I emailed myself saying, "are you there Margaret? It's me, god"
Men are not even allowed to look at you without a condom on.
OH GOD NOT SANTA BABY. NO NO NO. YOU'RE LIKE 85. OMG MULTIPLE WOMEN. NO NO NO STAHP.
The wizard has you scheduled for a 6am sex breakfast
I'm so there
I be dancing. See you soon. You can drink tequila from my pants.
Word my sister pulled through for me and brought vodka shooters for the plane. its about to be a sloppy 4 hours
Is there anything more American than getting day drunk and watching Hulk Hogan promos?
We poured all the Fireball on the Slip and Slide and long story short I have two black eyes.
In the last 2 hours I managed to have romantic starlit sex on the beach as the tide came in with not only just a gorgeous man, but one who happens to be Eastern European and finishing Harvard law school.
Oh wow. I want to be you right now.
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