There was a fist fight in my basement last night at four in the morning, in case you were wondering
There are few people I can ask this w/o being looked at as insane... Do you ever some days get fascinated by how amazing your own breast look?
i just heard my neighbor say from outside my window "i don't give a shit what he does, what the hell am i gonna do with my son's penis?"
either my laughing turned him on, or he wanted to shut me up. either way, i dont care. it was amazing.
So I just used shazaam to figure out a pairs figure skating song. I don't think I could get any gayer.
I've ID'd the nipple biter.
We decided we needed a drinks fridge in our bathroom.
explaining to a nurse how i all most cut my finger off playing beer pong, she def just hand me a AA booklet.
I just threw up trying to put pants on. This is obviously a sign to stay naked.
Agreed. That's like a marriage. For better or worse, till death do us part. I will hold your head over a toilet
Happy Thanksgiving! Hope its not too awkward that your dad and your boyfriend are the same age.
Thanks for having me over last night. Sorry I licked rum off your kitchen floor.
who says I'm not relevant to the kids today? Just had snapchat sex, blows the roof off aim cyber sex
Think of it as a business transaction. That's how I justify all the horrible things I do. Blow my married boss? Just a business transaction.
I’m doing tequila shots with lesbians. This isn’t how I planned my night but I’m not complaining
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