Mars, I'm going to name my child horatio mars. He will hate me till he gets high. Then he'll understand
This smoking ban is really fucking with my ability to fart in public
Just explain how I got from the bar to a house I've never been in, waking up to a cop in uniform ripping a bong
He was trying to hotbox the banana suit. Of course we traded him for vodka.
This is how my night is going so far. The bartender bought our last two rounds and I'm chasing a bee around the bar with a foam bat.
I deleted my history right in front of my girlfriend w/out her seeing. Let's go skydiving with no parachutes. I can live thru anything.
I kind of want to throw a lot of things at him. Mostly blunt, heavy objects.
Day drinking! Today! (tomorrow too!) Our place! Whenever you get off work! Ready go!
I was woke up by the fucking Star Spangled Banner this morning. I sat up in bed and put my hand over my naked heart. I was so confused
I'm sorry I keep having sex wth your friends. I'm done, for real. Unless cole is interested. Other than that, I'm done.
Good!!! I'm so proud of you for not snorting alcohol. Big girl steps.
You put THAT much Jager in me and expect me to realize when things are a bad idea?
Just rode a bull topless for a free bar tap for a month
Aww his grandma died? That's sad! No mourning sex!!! That doesn't lead to good things!
Bug bite on my vagina. I think we need to stop this 'sex in awesome places campaign.'
Randomize
