Stripper fight on main stage. It just happened. And it was glorious.
The kid I'm babysitting just asked if I had a boyfriend. WHY IS A FOUR YEAR OLD MAKING ME FEEL BAD ABOUT MY LIFE
He literally said to me "go ahead and answer that text message while I eat you out"... Maybe I AM the relationship type...
So it's always a good weekend when you don't get any sleep, try opening a bottle of wine on rocks, and end up needing a tetanus booster for our stupidity... Same thing next weekend?
He's not replying to my booty call. Like wtf. You have ONE PURPOSE IN LIFE.
Finally smoked with my brothers, I feel like I just won gold at the Best Older Brother Ever Olympics
Standing here wondering if its a good idea to cook pork chops in the toaster or not.
And the view of you in reverse cowgirl is arguably the most spectacular view ever... And I've seen the Eiffle tower, the colosseum, mountains of Hawaii, Michaelangelo's David, and the Mona Goddamn Lisa. Just saying.
I just said give me penis or give me death. Some patriot is rolling around in his grave right now.
I hummed the theme from jaws while she was taking the pregnancy test....needless to say she was not pleased
it's your last night here, let's make it one we may or may not remember.
you were huddled over the toilet, throwing up, and every few seconds you'd look up and say "this is such a waste of vodka" then put your head back down and start puking again
ATTENTION: just found out of have strep. if we have had sex in the past week, might wanna go to the doctor. if you plan to have sex with me in the next 20 days go buy some condoms. stupid antibiotics.
Did you clean my apartment?
I thought it was a dream, I'm sorry
Please stay more often
God yes pancakes and booze sounds like the best night ever.
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