if your leaving for the weekend then im farting on your pillow
Mike and I just ate the lobster we found in the toilet
So... I'm really sorry I tried to sell you to random people in cars last night
Somehow ended up at a stranger's bridal shower. Everyone else is already drunk.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I know its hard to believe that I'm already drunk at 12 p.m. but I am, so dont call me asking to go to the gym.
He just referred to himself as a sharp shooter. I had sex with that.
We have a guy passed out in the bathroom with one of our pots. Not sure if he's your friend so I let him be
You were jumping on the trampoline and screaming that you couldn't feel the fire.
I'm stealing this baby.
Well I always support illegal activity but where would you put it?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I think curling is the best thing to watch when you're baked.
Just a suggestion, don't apricot scrub your vagina.
My vagina needs a break, I had to ice it with a beer bottle last night.
I love when my neighbors have passionate, loud sex to remind me that I'm not getting laid
We were trying to organize all the customers to hold a window pickle race. as of 10:37 pm last night we are no longer allowed in our McDonalds.
I am watching the most amazing drunk person ever. Literally such a trooper that you can put anything in front of him he'll drink it. His latest reason for taking another shot was: well whatever. I'm never gonna get married anyway.
Randomize