THAT'LL be a good time.
and i don't know why my phone always capitalizes that word.
he calls his bong barack obonga, commander in kief. i found where i belong.
you told the bartender not to open the bottle because you were gonna put it in your purse in case you get cut off later
casually drinking alone with your cats. do they like sparks?
You grabbed her hand and started jacking her finger off. She was horrified.
Did it finish?
I just woke up and my mouth tastes like I licked the bathroom floor in the last ghetto bar we were in. I'm going to get my mouth checked for chlamydia. Do I see a dentist for that?
I miss living with her. She was the only person who was a bigger train wreck than I am.
I'm sorry I did drugs then got really loud and bitchy at your party and judged your choice in one night stands.
He came over hammered at four in the morning with roses trying to get me back when my new fling opened the door he just stood there crying for 40mins even after we closed the door
I have this terrible fear I might accidentally text a pic of my dick to my grandma
I've officially dedicated my newly single life to making myself squirt.
he really is such a sweet guy. it’s a shame i have to break his heart.
Dude!! Who the fuck glued Cheetos to my couch? Bastards!!
Woke up on a lawn chair hugging a bottle of vodka. Hows your morning so far?
It's magical, I'm just dancing. It's like prom but by myself and with less clothes.
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