did you know that the clit is basically just a tiny penis? Ya.. So just think about that next time you're down there.
fuck, i never want to drink again I drunk dialed matt last night and broke up with him the second night in a row. FUCK QUADFEST
Hey when I die alone will you come by often enough so that my cats don’t eat my face?
I feel like someone was just looking at my memory and took out an eraser and was like "nope he doesnt need that"
He asked me out while I'm back in town. I have to acknowledge and honor his persistence.
Your vagina must be laced with cocaine...
What did he say? I couldn't hear him over the sound of how awesome his beard is.
I only feel half bad for cheating on him because while we were fucking I was given great relationship advice and now I'm ready to work some things out.
Mom looked at me, frowned, and said "it makes me sad to see you drink before noon.." So i told her if she doesn't like it she needs to stop waking me up before noon.
I seriously just drove by a man walking down the street wearing hospital scrubs, an 80s track jacket, gold necklace and carrying a flute.
I'm watching the World Cup in bed naked with john and our USA flag aviator glasses. Can you say America?
It's so hard to fall asleep when I can hear your genitals smacking against hers. I hate you with all the love in my heart.
By far the fardest thing to do drunk is open a band aid
I have a horrible feeling I left my dildo in the kitchen today after washing it. This is my life.
Do you remember what happened last night? All I could find we're phone numbers of strip clubs in Detroit. Did we go to Detroit?
"I'm 22, I could die in a piano bar." -a sentence i actually just said to my boss
Randomize
