i can't watch a movie tonight dude, im smoking weed
you smoke with your eyes?
oh so you have enough money for the third eye blind concert but not enough for the morning after pill?
I ishhh haha are u coming nack easyer?
the fact that I know you're asking me if I'm coming home for easter makes me believe I speak fluent vodka.
You're the only person that can successfully use titties and Jesus in the same sentence.
why does he always try to puke into shot glasses
We bonded over the fact that we each, separately, got arrested on the same weekend.
Don't come. It's not even a party it's a total sausage fest. Like 20 drunk dudes in a bedroom. We can still drink by ourselves though it'll be ok
Ew. After that you just pretty much proved that your vagina is the reason why my vagina needs two toilet seat covers when peeing in public restrooms
Don't forget Giraffe in your car! If we show up in the same outfit without animal heads we're just gonna look weird.
Worst walk of shame man. They had a fire drill at 7am, had to walk out of her all girl dorm wearing my Everday I'm Hustling sweater
I'm chasing my vodka with snickers.
Drug test isn't today. Now I'm just sitting in this orientation with a bag of your piss in my pants
I had a rough night. I'm just gonna lay here and masturbate for a while before I have to go adult.
I had to take on your role as drunk idiot....I have no idea how you do it so well and so regularly. That shit is exhausting.
There is way too much butt cleavage here for a formal event.
Randomize
