If I were a boy, I'd name my penis Reptar.
Sorry, I don't speak sober.
have you ever been in a public bathroom and someone walked in, and you played "Fat or Crying" based on her breathing?
entire chemistry final was about beer... i actually might miss this place
I went back up to the apartment to get her phone and when I came back she was peeing on the sidewalk
I've been thinking about it and if we ever have a threesome it'll start off with us clothed solely in our matching fur vests
Do you remember calling me and dedicating a shot to me?
Come outside. The vendor wants to go out strong tonight! Russian hooker interviews. Don't ask. We leave in 3 minutes.
My phone saved "first signs of pregnancy" as a most visited search.
My cat clawed my face because i tried to give it a foot massage...never doing shrooms again.
You were walking away to pee and as you were undoing your belt you looked at me and said "the belt is off. the game is on. Remever that."
My dog got laid yesterday. Some lady came over with her husky to breed. He did it like a champ. I was so proud
yea plus he's gonna be wearing his gumby costume so that'll take a lot of pressure off too
I vaguely remember losing my underwear to 2 chicks in a bathroom. That drunk.
You're a hot mess, you know that?
At least I'm a FUN hot mess. Like a train crash full of pizza, fireworks and glitter.
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