i just threw up in front of the washington monument. such a scenic puke.
I saved $70 from being to drunk to go out last night so I figured I could buy a new watch.
I woke up this morning to 7 word documents that all said "remember to be extremely angry at your jerk of a brother." What the hell did you do to me last night?
I'm pretty sure there was a language barrier but he knew what "harder" meant.
is it too much to get a jumbo margarita in a sippy cup right now?
I just had a 30 minute conversation about hummingbirds. That high.
I miss high conversations.
Swinging. Is. Amazing.
Me and this random chick had a conversation about how to save the world. 2 words: Dance. Battles. I love drunk heart to hearts in bar bathrooms.
Wait also totally unrelated but can horses sit down?
I just tried to picture one and I don't think they can cause I can't envision it
I'm taking a leave of absence and sending myself to fat camp. I'll let you know when I'm out.
Bitch, he is not your friend and this is not Bravo. Get in this car before you get smacked
Is there like a dick file on me? Guys can't hold two dicks anymore?! Who are you people????
I made a bong out of my deodorant today. Did you?
Like, defending PBR and Bio Dome consumes a lot of my time.
Foreplay went from me being a bank teller and him a customer to us actually having to go to the bank so we would make rent
I don’t care that he’s a decade younger. He’s cute and I need a good penising
Randomize
