I'm either going to be a Playboy Playmate or take over the world. Either way the world wins.
not only did i manage to get kicked out of the bar, i also got kicked out of denny's. i didnt even know that was possible.
i got a blow job in the bathroom during intermission at the hockey game. i'm pretty sure i made Canada proud.
I need to keep friends like you around just in case hell grades on a curve.
I just need to actually convince myself that drunkenly having sex won't help me forget the last time I drunkenly had sex, it only makes the situation worse.
VODKA 4LOKO BEER NOT IN THE CLEAR
The bachelorette party was all fun and games until the strippers came. AKA you guys.
I apologize for chief "dances with dolphins" sucking on your friends foot
Evvvvvveryone knows we hooked up in the DJ booth. People call it the BJ booth now. I've created a legacy
I got bit by a peacock. That's how hard shit went down last night.
Also, my old intern Lizzie whom you fed pizza to last night wants to hang out with you
I can't go to the bars anymore. She wanted to see me again and I drunkenly told her I was moving today. If she spots me I'm fucked.
Lol I'm not having group sex with you, that apron is fuckin awesome tho
Nothing like being naked and confused and clutching a scented candle...at least I woke up in my own bed though.
Is it weird that the girl I'm fucking just wished me luck on my date tonight?
Well I just woke up to no pants, Gatorade on the headboard along with an uneaten steak, and the instinct I was a giant asshole.
Randomize
