she used her cellphone as a light to find my clit under the sheets. worst.lesbian.ever.
when does it stop being whiskey dick and start just being me bad in bed?
I think I may have appendicitis, but the house is like two blocks from the hospital so I'm just gonna go and drink anyway.
Why have they been driving around the block for the past 30 min?
He told her it was international road head day.
These margaritas aren't just going to regret themselves.
He said "I wish they sold 40's in bars".. and a business plan came to mind. Maybe I CAN do something with my degree...
My nephew just told me I smell like apathy and regret. Thats the hangover I'm dealing with
I peed in a 7/11 last night. Like literally pretended I pretended I was shopping, looked around, and peed on boxes in the corner. No more tequila
I'm concerned that this blind man on the bus has a boner right now
They say find what you're good at... Evidently that's showing up late for everything, drinking, and eating cheese for me.
The cat is stealing cigarettes and my vagina cures blindness. How's your night?
How do you explain to your kids that you met their mother well you were giving her a gynecological exam??
they call themselves the foursome.. thats def means they're up for one right?
she was sitting on the toilet asking for me to take a "cute facebook profile picture" for her
When you're as high as I am right now brushing your teeth is both magical and fucking terrifying
Randomize
