i saw a guy balancing a black cat on his head last nite
get a pic
i tried he was too far away anotherguy was walking with paper bags on his feet explain that
i want ur life
Tonight was fucked up. First my mom called me and told me I had to go to the bar to pick up my dad 'cause he was drunk. Then when I got there my dad was doing a body shot from this lady who happened to be my 1st grade teacher. By far the most awkward car ride home. Idk if I should tell my mom or not.
No matter how drunk I am, I will take the time to wipe a pube off the toilet seat.
I told him I had my daily dose of vitamin c so i wouldn't blow him
i have a girlfriend
if you're drunk do you have a girlfriend?
no
At what point were we discussing suction-cupping a dildo to the wall?
I am at 2.05 miles in under 11 minutes. So either this thing is broke or I should always work out wasted.
Also I hooked up with a trainer at my gym. Between her, the married chick, and the bartender, my life is becoming a bad porn plot.
I don't care if he's straight, his cock will be in my mouth by midnight. Like a closeted Cinderella.
proof that my night is going well: I can still open doors
My stepdad and I just tag-team hit on a server at McDonald's. This is the man I should have grown up with.
Just accidentally flashed my junk to the lady helping me try on suits, it was cold in there, I don't think she was impressed.
I've never been to an orgy, but I would assume nachos wouldn't be out of the question at one.
Hey sorry if you felt me holding your hand in the middle of the night I was actually just checking you had a pulse
Sorry i ignored you for so long. I think my vibrator is broken.
Randomize
