this girl im hooking up with thought my ring was a purity ring... apparently im taking it too slow
I am officially out of liquor stores within a 15 mile radius that don't recognize me as soon as I walk in the door.
im sitting in a tub with a sombrero on.. im just kind of confused.
we all took turns holding you up and pretending that you were simba and that we were presenting you to the jungle
I recommend you throw your keys as far as you can in one direction, your phone as far as you can in the opposite direction, and hold on.
Maybe it was silver. I don't know. I was drunk sifting through my dogs vomit.
I was giving this guy head and he stopped me to look me in the eyes and say "you have a gift"
I just used my AAA membership to fix a strippers flat tire in return for a lapdance...does that make me a bad person?
Basically I don't wanna put on pants...but I'm stoked for drinking my face off tomorrow.
I just hit your bf in the face with a mustard bottle and the guy at the table next to us bowed down to me.
He totally sucks at sexting. He sent me a clothed shot of his ass captioned "I know this gets you going." What?
Let's celebrate our country being screwed by screwing.
if being 21 means slamming 99 cent margaritas at 3:00 in the afternoon on a Tuesday then call me Peter Pan IM NEVER GROWING UP
He may have been a dick but he DID give me his Netflix log in. Maybe some good did come of it.
Our fake lesbian relationship is better than her real relationship. Bitch be jealous
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