you woke up, pulled a beer bottle out of your pants..took a drink and went back to sleep.
I'm starting therapy this week.. Taylor Swift music isn't cutting it for me anymore
Found out in my property law class that you can sell your eggs for $8000. Helloooo spring break.
i just opened the overnight bag i packed at 2am last night. Apparently all i thought id need was a handful of quarters, mascara and one sock
She keeps referring to it as an "us" Either she is seriously mistaken on what fuck buddies are or she learned another meaning of the word "us"
So you actually don't remember giving head to the Neil Armstrong statue last night?
He still hasn't made a move, so I slept with his brother last weekend. Maybe sibling rivalry will motivate........
More or less binge drinking as a giant grape seemed justified
Why is hotel staff askin about the blood in our room
mhmm. we know where to go, which places have free bathrooms, how long you can be in one until its sketchy, we have this down to a science. we're like the college sophomore pregaming dream team
The bottle of Jameson may have been a bit aggressive for a Sunday cookout.
Thanks for the morning blowjob. Scientifically proven you can't have a bad day if it starts with a blowjob.
I'm beginning to think the entirety of my appeal is due to the size of my ass.
we got kicked out of the bar last night for sneaking into the back kitchen and eating handfulls of cheese in the walk in fridge
I'm going to a one year olds birthday party to smoke weed. What has my life become.
Randomize
