I was being carried out of the bar, but then my friend saw Pat who just got kicked out scaling the wall to sneak back in, so he carried me back in, sat me on the bar stool, and the bartender just let us all keep drinking.
Being persistent has its perks my friend.
the coke olympics were a bad idea. there's a tree uprooted in the front of my building.
How did you steal an entire pie?
I don't know. It's in my purse.
the trick is not to think about where her tounge has been.
The drugs are starting to wear off. Suddenly aware there's a girl with bald patches and 2 guys that don't have a full set of teeth between them.
what started as sign language exam pre-drinks to calm the nerves turned into me waving at a deaf woman for 20 minutes
That's okay, during storytime I would have to sit on my hands so I wouldn't touch everyone. Explains a lot...
Totally just drove past you riding your bike. I was like damn, that looks like a cute little hipster boy, and then I realized it was you and that I'd already banged you and it kinda made my day. I hope you're well. Come over soon?
These bubbles make my penis feel like it is resting on clouds.
I don't know but this 12 year old kid is soaking up all of our bad morals like a super tampon on the second day of my period
Roommate is hosting a 'sorority retreat' at our house. If you need to get laid, stumble on over.
I'm stoned as hell watching the new Star Trek movie. My life is 110% better than it was an hour ago.
with the way the semester is going, being a stripper is starting to sound better and better everyday
What would I even say at the wedding? "Sorry that I still wouldn't sleep with you after four years of you trying...but hopefully my sister here isn't that stubborn" and give him an awkward pat on the back?
i just realized i have only had sex on couches so far this year. i can't decide if that's impressive or trashy
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