Beverly Hills, 90210. Cleveland Browns, 0.
After we did it I noticed she was wearing the same underwear as last night.
That's why you don't sleep with the same girl two nights in a row man!
you sat up and said "i'm the worst kind of roommate, the drunk kind"
still in the ER. she tried to shotgun a bottle of corona
Aww. I feel like I need to kill a puppy just to make room in the world for how cute you are right now
You are right. The scrape marks on her ass are from her breaking the doggy door by crawling through it.
As i was walking home this morning some old lady was walking her dog and i said hello to her as our paths in life met, then i proceeded to puke in someones front yard and never looked back
I just stuck my fingers down her throat so she could puke. I mean what are friends for
Oh my god she just threw up on her dog
I've never wanted to punch a 94 year old woman in the vagina, and then call her next of kin to tell them I just muff punched their Gam Gam until today.
holy shit the woman im hooking up with is closer to my moms age than my own
Every time I'm hungover I just want to watch Harry Potter and cry.
It's not even 8:30a, wine glass is broken, there's sugar everywhere, and your mom just asked me what MILF means.
yeah, i'm probably gonna die. still gonna be totally worth it tho
I wonder how horrible I look to customers. There's cuts all over my face and I can't talk.
What are the cuts from? Head-butting the bathroom light fixture?
Honestly that's best case scenario.
TSA doesn’t allow handcuffs in carryon bags. Super fun they confiscated them in front of my boss and coworker.
Randomize
