mustard is like jesus in yellow tights
mornings like this make me wish i was morman.
he got instantly turned off in the middle of a blowjob when he heard the news "twilight beat the blockbuster record of batman"
You go to school with some of the ugliest girls I've ever seen... How are you not getting laid?
I've thrown up so many times in the third floor bathroom of Baldwin that they should probably just go ahead and name it after me.
after taking her first shot and having her first random hook up she finally feels like she is ready for college
she has no idea
There's a big bag of salt and vinegar chips and a Budweiser for when you wake up. Don't say I never did anything for you.
we're driving around with this really dirty (unclean and inappropriate) 60 year old ex-san quintin con named old skool d that my brother knows and hes bringing us to get weed. what is montana?
I NEED ANOTHER LEVEL OF CAPS TO EXPRESS TO YOU THE MAGNITUDE OF MY FADDEDNESS
I'm responsible for my client's overall well-being. Which is terrifying coming from someone that can't stop masturbating and eats leftover pizza just about everyday.
No sex in the champagne room. The champagne room being my life
Volunteering at a homeless shelter a bum asked if he could lick me cause I still reeked of whiskey. Being a bumsickle=epic hangover
I damn near set my vagina on fire. WHILE The Flaming Lips played in the background. Intensely apropos.
If you sleep with another manager before the year is up you'll deserve an accomplishment sticker.
Will you rub my calves while I masturbate?
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