I found my laptop, credit card, and a bottle of Morgan all on the counter this morning. I'm scared to see what gets delivered to my house this week.
I tried making the sex a little better this time so right before I blew I yelled "ready or not here I come!"
and he says: but we did find out that your ovaries have never released eggs. first thing out of my mouth: so i didnt really need to take the morning after pill so many times in college?
not the response he usually gets im sure.
Measuring your booze intake in glasses is like measuring Rosie O'Donnell's weight in ounces.
i was concerned for your health after you took your "last shot" four times...
We hung out in the bathroom the whole time and talked about sex and watched some girl pee. If you don't believe I was there, check the bathtub for bread crust.
Help. All alone. Room is. Changing colors. Dance party 2010, but without dancing.
The arresting officer told me "you probably get this a lot, but you look like anthony kiedis".
Hey did where's my bong?
In the tree out back .... Top branch on the right
Should I bother to ask?
Apparently it's poor taste to ask for a break up blow job...in McDonald's. Also, that's not the best way to break the news either.
wanna tell me why theres a glass of water stuffed with tamptons in the freezer?
Impromptu road trip to New Orleans for four days of Mardi Gras. I'll probably be alive and back for Valentine's Day plans, probably won't stick my dick in some random either-might be using my free pass you cheating asshat. Love you. Expect random texts & probably a drunk dial or twelve. You did this to yourself. You're not invited so don't bother. Have fun at work.
If we were unicorns we would fly together. Like in a pack. A pack of flying unicorns
I learned tonight while in another country that no matter the nationality, men are disappointing in bed
hey i'm sure you are probably asleep bc you suck and think sleep is necessary to live or something?
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