I'm gonna have a badass scar
Omg. I just woke up in a room full of naked people
guy in front of me on the bus did 12 yrs, hes teling me about how to knife fight
the kid next to me in training is drinking sangria. its 9am here in case you couldnt calculate. its going to be a good year.
i just remebered that we smoked out my hamster yesterday...
i hope hes still alive. i just remember you give him a shit load of cereal and saying "trust me your going to need it"
your love of good penises attached to ugly faces is disgusting and slightly disturbing.
His constant posting of "inspirational" Taylor Swift quotes over the past 3 days has me a little worried. It's like, holy shit dude, you're almost 30.
You also once spent an entire hour explaining the origin of the strip steak to me.
and then I drunkenly screamed, "you can ride that Uber all the way to revenge city!"
which was funny until I realized I paid for my enemy's cab to go fuck my ex
I'm drinking vodka out of a water bottle at work. Am I really the best person to come to for life advice?
Just woke up to Siri reminding me that i need to kill the giant orange spider in my room, because it's sorcery and witchcraft is sacrilegious. Did you give me LSD again!?!??!
Our sex is like an episode of "The Simpsons." Picture Homer choking Bart, and that's pretty much what we're into.
My father has a definite type: blonde, busty, 18-22. It was awkward when I was in college, but now I'm over it. I play wingman for him and he buys me expensive purses for the assistance in getting him hooked up with girls younger than me. Win-win.
I remember you banged her while I was dying on your couch, so good call
I'm just letting you know right now in advance that if I die or go to the hospital or end up in jail tonight it's because your kid sold me mushrooms.
Randomize
