would you consider dating someone with braces an investment?
Going back to college after four years is reminding me why i love cheating... they dont let me cheat on tests but they sure try hard to make me cheat on my girl
my boss said she was surprised to see me this morning. i told her there's a time in a girls life she has to give up day drinking in order to make money for next weekend's alcohol. she looked so proud, i think i might get a raise.
I know we didn't hook up because i was still wearing my fanny pack in the morning
thursday was literally the first time i didnt drunk eat since the bush administration and it was only because i was fucking someones boyfriend. making a mental note to do that more often.
Mass Text: Free blowjob to first person to bring me a nacho cheese chalupa.
Something about a hand job in a car doesn't scream girlfriend
Just smokin in the creek with some deer, they like the smoke, I know.
hot boxing the bathroom at chili's. where the fuck are you, it's too big of a box for just one person.
Trial is expected to last a fucking week if I get chosen.
To be fair, you are the kind of person I want to be on the jury when I inevitably end up in front of one.
There a special place in hell for drunk criers. A special FUCKING PLACE
note to self: do not snort crushed up caffeine pills in the bathroom by yourself when ur super shit faced, ur face will fucking hate you in the morning.
Today some guy at work told me I had the nicest hair he's ever seen and my response was "thanks I grew it myself". This is why I'm single.
sarah's view on last night: a threesome to make things less awkward. oh, well done.
Do you remember seeing anyone put a "my other penis is a vagina" bumper sticker on my car?
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