you are the weird ass hat to my lady gaga
I was wasted and lost so I called the cops and asked for directions. It seemed logical at the time
He woke up screaming about pickles. I think it's gonna be a good day.
In a world where you don't want your phone to pocket dial your parents at 2 in the morning while you're running around Florida shitfaced, Droid does.
He's bringing condoms over for me in case we "bone".... the fact he calls it boning is not a great start.
guy just got out of the car at the drive in and told his girlfriend "fuck you and your taco" and walked off
Just had to find a way to explain to the border patrol that we were coming into canada "for about a half hour to have one last under 21 drink before kendals birthday at midnight." He said ok and told us where the closest bar was. Nice man.
You know our reunion in two weeks shall be a drunken bikini clad magical adventure right
The only reason I can fathom that you've been able to continue to date new people this long is that women continue to become of age each year, and the younger ones don't know any better.
brushed my teeth nine times since getting home, still afraid there are pubes hiding in between my molars. fucking gummy bears
There's tequila in my general area. Please pray for me.
Hi, I put a dog in your house, I hope it's yours.
roommates are droppin acid, i really should stop them from staring directly at the light bulb, but their giggles are so enchanting.
My new superpower is making fuckboys disappear!
Bending dicks and egos since 2002
You stocked up?
No actually didn’t get a chance. If you wouldn’t mind bringing me a brownie and a bottle of Jameson that’d be nice
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