If a girl drunk dials you she's at least entertained the idea of sleeping w/ you correct?
YES
This is awkward. You have a four minute voicemail from me. I would delete it. I accidently hit your number on speed dial and called you while I was vomiting a mai tai.
Will you come get her? She's trying to get the pizza guy into the bathtub.
Just crossed the line from casual pregrame to public intoxication. Shotgunning in a bus shelter.
The interviewer had a hook for his right hand I TRIED TO SHAKE HIS HOOK WHAT IS WRONG WITH ME
For the record, saying you're friends with the owner doesn't work when the owner is the one throwing you out.
I'm ordering a large vanilla ice cream with rainbow sprinkles so when I vom tonight it will look like lisa frank dolphins in acid trip colors
WHY does every guy I sleep with want to fix my car?!
your sister totally cock blocked me last night don't even think about inviting her to taco night
finding an unopened condom on the ground can really change your outlook on the night
Some guy was coming onto me last night and in the middle of it all he said: 'It literally says this on my birth certificate: Francis Coburt: The Guy Who Can Pull Two Beers Outta His Pants Like Magic.'
You can't say "my boobs are wonderful" and not expect my drunken subconscious to focus on wanting to see them. Btw-can I see them?
He said he could outsmoke me so I challenged him to a weed duel. I don't always very competitive but when I do...
I feel like I should acknowledge that I see you as a human and not a ragdoll sex object
Idk how I even got accepted into college because literally the only things my brain ever thinks about are YouTube videos of baby animals and sex.
Randomize
