I just drove by a church. On the sign out front was written 'crocodile cock'. On both sides.
woke up next to her writing my name in some journal. apparently she makes every guy she hooks up with sign out.
I didn't think about how painful the pumpkin seeds coming up the next morning would be. Oh well, I'm good at making pumpkin seeds and that's all that matters.
I've literally already typed in by booty call text for friday night. all I have to do now is wait for is drunk me to press send
Oh and apparently Friday night I came home and tried assembling the Christmas tree until my mom just told me to go to bed. Blackout.
They were swingers. Real swingers. Thought it was going to be awesome until some fat guy tried to put my dick in his mouth.
I fell asleep while studying last night and woke up smelling like whiskey and sex... words can not describe how confused I am
Drinking and pointing where stuff needs to go is hard stuff.
Well I was kicked out of the bar and woke up on a picnic table. I'd say the night was awesome!
I can't hang out tomorrow. A boy wants to feed me ice cream and touch my boobs. Priorities.
Apparently I called down to the hotel front desk and begged them to bring us pizza. They brought us tea.
She said to call her, so I called her. Her boyfriend answered and traced the fucking call. I could litterally hear him yell because it turns out he lives in 4d
Don't you live in 4c?
I know you do it only because of my toyota, but thank you for fucking me. Seriously.
Is there a subtle way to tell him he needs to hydrate? 8 years of yoga and kegels. He has no idea what I’m going to do to him this weekend
If work found out I was using THEIR paper to write Karate Kid fanfic I'd never hear the end of it.
Randomize
