walkin around the woods blazed, drawing pictures of trees and plants, i get a grade for this
No jewlry, no bra, and no pen. I couldnt be more prepared for a friday morning class.
Just saw a guy doing jumping jacks at the gym. I don't even have to create a punch line for that
Just TALKING to him is better than banging my bf, imagine what actual banging will be like.
Sitting at a bar next to a guy wearing sunglasses drinking a pitcher by himself and having an argument with himself over if journey is more ballin than kiss. Feel better about myself.
you threatened to puke on the table cause they didnt serve eggs Benedict
I mass texted 4 of you for a booty call. Please reply all when responding so only one of you shows up. Last one is a rotten egg.
I transported a midget tonight. He got beat up by another, midgetier midget. Is it bad that this is what makes me feel compassion after 15 years of being a paramedic?
Midgetier?
Smaller, yet meaner.
I almost shit my pants in anger over your moral sanity.
Eating my shrimp pasta on the porch with a 40, wearing a Hawaiian shirt, proclaiming "I GOT SCRIMPS." I just jumped the shark of college.
It was at the same house, but a different party, when lesbians set me on fire. So there's that.
TSA literally pulled two bottles of whiskey out of my bag. Once he saw the leopard print socks and the mickey mouse tank, he put it back in my bag and said "Have a fun trip, man."
I woke up in some kids room and he introduced me to his friends at breakfast as "Monica" so I just went with it.
i feel like i shouldn't just had to send a text that said "no i will not eat your ass"
I duct taped a bottle of vodka to the back of your closet while you were sleeping in case of emergencies. Go rip it off, it's going to be a long night.
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