so she finally agreed to being friends with benefits. not only did I take her virginity, when I woke up, she brought me French toast made with homemade bread in bed.
I worship thee.
Cool, so I just walked in on my grandfather checking his prostate in the kitchen.
when are you leaving homes?
it's 7:51. why the fuck are you awake at 7:51
I had a sex dream about Oprah.
go back to sleep
dude. it was a sex dream. about. Oprah.
I was also standing on my bed with a road cone pounding on the ceiling at 3am. Not sure why
So the bar isnt gonna put that broken window on my tab. appaerently they want cash
Things I woke up with this morning: half a mcmuffin, orange hair, one shoe and a friendly german man. Tequila was a brilliant idea.
Just found my old bop it. So many drinking game possibilities
I just remember her dragging me inside in a panic saying we needed mentos and popcorn I have no fucking clue how we ended up asleep in her closet.
my entire left arm went numb
you need to get that checked to make sure you're not wired to have strokes instead of orgasms
Last year I got a dildo in the mail on my birthday. Today it was just a credit card bill. Sadface.
Hey, Would it be ok if me and your wife have a ladies only night and masturbated on FaceTime together?
I'm bringing home frosties. I need to talk about butt stuff.
How are you and your magical vagina doing today?
I am become drunk, destroyer of all worlds
He only has one ball. it was like fucking a cyclops.
Randomize
