There's just this way he looks at me that makes me want to suck his soul out through his dick.
i wonder what barack obama's brickbreaker high score is...
I thought about puking over the balcony or the bathroom and figured the balcony seemed much funner.
I would like to apologize for my MANY attempts of trying to motor boat you.
thanks for the 52 voicemails of you and crystal reciting the pleg of allegance
Sorry, they don't make maternity Power Ranger suits...
My life has become one weird ass game. No one wins. No one loses. We all just kind of hang in limbo and hope we don't die. Eskimo sisters for life. Please have sex with one of them.
I mean like if I stood up my head might pull me down like an anchor
There must be a happy medium universe where you get it on with my girlfriend enough to cause me pain but not a full on cardiac arrest. It's a fine line to tread though.
also, am i correct in guessing that advertising the size of my hypothetical penis is a turnoff to him?
You thought you were Snapchating on your tablet, but were really just poking John Stamos' face on my Full House dvd case...
I should've known a straight guy wouldn't know all the words to Moana
Wanna go get tea? Warning: I will be high in an hour.
I didn’t want to see that boob. I told her not to show me but she said “no, I’m going to show you”
I should have known it wouldn’t work. Someone saved in her phone as “Subway Sex” called the week before the wedding
Randomize
