Without porn, I would have few hobbies.
I love being friends with rich people. I get laid by association.
walking home from your place the other day I saw a man with a ponytail sitting on some church steps petting a plant
he should get drunk with us
So I went home with some chick last night... I'm not sue what's worse: not getting a nut at 5am, the condom breaking and not being replaced, feeling poo when I put my finger in her but, sleeping on a heroin mattress in her living room, her swine flu coughing fit at 7am or realizing she peed the matt at 10am. Actually it was probably the fact that she continuously told me she was the classiest girl in boulder.
escape the fate? dumbest band name ever. how about escape the fart. now that is a show i would go see!
I'm going to write a book about John. It's going to be called big dreams, little dick
I mean come on, he's the best quarterback in the state and doesn't even know how to put on condom
man i wonder what i would be like if i had never started smoking weed
My bosses just told me they met their wives on one night stands. I'm stoked.
I have to have sex with him again. I feel like I need to train him so no other girl experiences that bad of sex.
This titty bar has wifi. I just did FaceTime stage side
Yeah she's a complete bitch. But I mostly hate her because she hijacked my fuck buddy.
Is it sacrilegious to take tequila shots on Saint Patrick's day?
I'm not fucking you with a Stormtrooper helmet on!
HER BOYFRIEND CAME HOME WHILE WE WERE GETTING IT ON IN THE SHOWER
At least you smelled nice while he kicked your ass.
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