I just woke up surrounded in unopened snacks
Crown is evil. It plays hide and seek with my morals
Contrary to popular belief alot of woman do actually enjoy sucking cock.
grad school is all the worst parts of undergrad, without the binge drinking and bad decisions to make up for it
May or may not have just drunkenly opened my christmas presents. Greatly disappointed. Might break up sooner.
If I had KNOWN you and mom were coming to visit, I wouldn't have passed out in the frat. This is why I hate surprises.
Fat girl left in a hurry. Possibly had to do with the missing bathroom door in my apartment.
I'm sitting at work trying to dust glitter off my pants. I can't hang out with her anymore.
Well, now that you have a gf, its gonna be awkward when I get drunk and make out with you..... Then later, pretend like I don't remember.
Please tell me you've ingested more than weed and Oreos today
he busted into the room with single cheese slices and started yelling "THROW SOME CHEESE ON THAT BITCH"
Sometimes I get in situations where I realize they think I'm smarter than I am and then it's just one more thing I have to fake.
I'm about to be a big disappointment.
I want a bottle of whiskey to be dropped at my doorstep like a stork drops babies when they are delivered to their parents.
God what have you done to be that much in need of alcohol.
Me WANTS my preciousssssssssss
Why did I wake up covered in glitter next to a half eaten cheeseburger?
It's National Whipped Cream Day, prep those nips
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