ejected that DVD during the department meeting.. it was our porn from last night. I have a new nick-name at work.
this girl im hooking up with thought my ring was a purity ring... apparently im taking it too slow
Found a left over fake Olympic medal from our party last weekend. Awarded it to a random girl in the bar last night. Its the only thing she was wearing this morning when she woke up at my place.
So I woke up today with someone's door knob in my pocket. I hope everbody else got out of the house ok.
Showed up 2 hours late and still drunk nobody gave me a high five. This intership is bullshit.
that's probably because you left your arm in the fishtank for 90% of the night
Well you know it's going to be an interesting night when the bathroom attendant is doing hail marrys
Speaking of gay, some dude in a life vest just goes, we should pull our dicks out! To larry. Were leaving now. I saw penis
You pissed off the back deck while listening to the national anthem from your phone screaming America Fuck Yea to my neighbors
I heard drunk is the new sober. I heard me say that. To a cop. Can you come get me??
I just did the walk of shame in monkey slippers in the snow
Teach me the song of your people
million dollar idea: razor dispensers in bar bathrooms. your welcome, girls who didn't think they were getting laid tonight.
what are you getting to drink for new years?
well seeing as how i just got diagnosed with a uti, whatever we can mix with cranberry juice
I'm completely creeped out. He's dressed as me. And thinks it's funny.
He told me my car had really nice leather seats right before he jizzed all over them.
Randomize
