No, don't ignore my call, i just need to know, whats cuter a pig in boots or a miniature horse sitting down..
Before we started fucking, he laid me on the bed, and asked my what my sleep number was, so that i would be "comfy"
Just had to explain to a senior manager why I had duct tape residue on my wrist and hand. This weekend was a success.
I'm afraid to text her because most of the time she just replies with "cockblock."
Just took a shot of tequila with a random guy at the supermarket. Happy cinco de fourth.
Wrote my name backwards on the test and asked for extra credit points. Late start booze days are my new favorite thing.
My phone autocorrected your name to "grownup." that couldn't be more inaccurate. I'm getting a new phone.
it's just not right when you're boyfriend has a nicer ass than you do.
If they were bad they leave that night, if they were good they get a gold star, and if they were great they get invited back. Simple.
You are cordially invited to an I'm not pregnant laser tag celebration tomorrow. booze is optional.
If you end up wanting to sit on his face, just make a sound like a dying giraffe and I'll make myself scarce.
This is worse than naked and afraid. This is drunk and confused.
I told some guy on tinder, that apparently has a prosthetic leg, that I think we started off on the wrong foot. I hate myself...
You walked right into the door. Even the door guy and security guys were laughing.
Apparently my hair turned out really good because I got my butthole licked by a stranger last night
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