got weed?
I'm really tired of you accidentally texting me when your doing illegal things. I'm taking away your phone.
sorry mom...
Last night I walked out of the bar got in a cab asked the cabi to circle the block. he did and brought me right back to the bar. I paid him $7 thanked him and walked back into the bar.
forgot a fork. i am eating fettucini alfredo with a comb that i rinsed off the the bathroom sink. eating alone in my car. life doesn't get any sadder than this
Somehow she slept thru the vacuuming, people walking in and out, and the sound of constant beer bottles hitting the trash, but when someone said weed in a regular volume of voice she startled awake.
he will always be the guy i fucked in the hallway.
If I can't pick up a cat lady, I probably need to turn to Internet dating.
You know just sitting here carrying on a conversation with a 5 yr old about why there is puke at the landing of the staircase
I've lost all respect for marriage since I joined this bachelor party.
I NEED TO GET TO THE PLAYGROUND. I JUST NEED TO SWING. IF I SWING MAYBE THE SMELL WILL COME OFF OF ME. I NEED TO SWING
And by "schedule" I meant crumbled up liquor store receipt, that I wrote shit on.
You seriously don't remember crying about how much you miss your mom right before we hooked up?
He woke me up holding a gallon of apple juice and a shot glass...
I'm not complaining, but why is it that every time I hang out with you I come home with random injuries and random girls?
I almost accidentally threw him out a window during sex last night.
GIIIIRL I AM STONED AF AND I HAVE A HOMEMADE POT PIE IN THE OVEN THIS PARTY IS LIT.
Randomize
